


Of All the Things My Hands Have Held, the Best By Far Is You

by adventurepants



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1950s, Episode: s06e13 Far Beyond the Stars, Established Relationship, F/F, Sisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9431945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventurepants/pseuds/adventurepants
Summary: Kay remembers what Benny told her and knows that it's true, knows it from experience, and she remembers Dax and the new host and how life finds a way to keep going.(A "Far Beyond the Stars" AU)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gingasaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingasaur/gifts).



> For my pal Christine who helped this story grow into its final form. Love u.
> 
> I guess you could call this an AU of an AU, where Kay and Jules are not and have never been married. Kay Hunter, full homo.

_"She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message: For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love."_

-Carl Sagan

*

They don't leave work together. Kay cuts out while Darlene is still working on whatever inane task Douglas last assigned her, and Jules is leaning on her desk, doing his level best to keep her attention on him instead. The tone of his voice is one that Kay knows well, and she stops at the door for a moment as Darlene says "Is that so?" before putting another stick of gum in her mouth. She leans in and smiles at him and Kay clears her throat loudly from the doorway.

"I'll see you tomorrow, everyone," she says. Most of them murmur a good evening, and Darlene looks up and winks. 

"See ya later," she says, flashing a much bigger smile than she'd given Jules, and Kay smirks as she leaves the office.

Darlene shows up at Kay's apartment later than she expects her. "Sorry," Darlene says, and kisses her once the door is closed. "My mother called. She always wants to talk about when I'm gonna settle down and get married, and I feel lousy lying to her."

Kay wonders, sometimes, what her family would think, but her father and both brothers all died in the war and her mother passed so long ago that Kay can hardly remember her, so there is no one left to shock or disappoint.

"What do you tell her?" Kay asks.

Darlene shrugs. "I tell her not to worry so much. These things happen when the time is right. I just don't tell her the time is already right."

"Is that a proposal?" Kay asks, and it's a joke, but her chest tightens up with a strange ache, anyway. They’ve been together less than a year, but yes, she would marry Darlene if she could.

Darlene just grins, wide and bright, and kisses her again, longer this time. "You got anything for me to read?"

"You didn't get anything new to read from Jules?" Kay asks. "He seems very intent on impressing you with his work."

"He's just bein' nice," Darlene says.

"He's flirting with you. And you're flirting back."

"Oh, I'm just lettin' him down easy."

"You're not letting him down at all." Kay doesn't mean to be argumentative, mostly. It's just what happens. It used to get her in trouble at school, but her father always told her there was nothing wrong with standing up for herself so she's never seen much of a point in holding her tongue for the sake of politeness.

"Hey," Darlene says, and it could be defensive but instead it's kind and patient. "You don't have anything to worry about." She is always like that, always soft when she could easily choose to be sharp.

There was another girl, once, who said the same thing. A smart, pretty girl who, in the end, wanted a nice house and children more than she wanted to be the secret lover of an underpaid female writer. But God help her, Kay believes it when Darlene says it. 

"I did write you something," Kay tells her.

"You did?" Darlene's face lights up and she holds out her hands, making grabbing motions the way some women do for babies. "Give it here."

Kay retrieves the stack of pages and hands them to Darlene who curls up with them immediately on the couch, forgetting dinner, forgetting that reading in the low light will bother her eyes, forgetting even Kay. She sighs happily as Kay turns on another lamp and settles down next to her, pressing up against her side.

She's tired- it's been a long week and there is still tomorrow to get through. Darlene puts an arm around her and she closes her eyes, letting the stillness and the smell of Darlene's perfume soothe her. 

Kay has almost dozed off by the time Darlene is finished reading. "It's beautiful," she says.

Kay smiles. "You think so?" There aren't enough people who would describe science fiction as beautiful, but she is a dream, this girl. She's also Kay's most thoughtful critic, never afraid to tell her when something needs work. This newest story is about a female explorer stranded on a faraway planet, but in the published version she'll be a man. Kay will have to type the whole thing out a second time to change names and pronouns and certain details, but it's worth it, to get the words inside of her out the right way first.

"You think they'll publish stories like this someday?" Darlene asks. "Where the girl gets the girl?"

Kay lifts her head from Darlene's shoulder. "Maybe someday. Probably not for a long time, though."

"It's not so wrong, to be like us," Darlene says. "It doesn't feel wrong."

Kay has struggled with it her whole life, whether it's a sin, whether there is something not right inside of her. But no, she thinks now. It isn't hurting anyone, the two of them together, and what could be wrong with love? She takes the story from Darlene and sets it down on the coffee table. It's not due tomorrow, she doesn't have to stay up late editing.

"No," she says, settling back in against Darlene. "No, it doesn't."

*

In the morning, Kay sips her coffee at her desk, and the sounds of Herb and Douglas bickering are white noise until Herb slams his own empty mug down on the table, startling her. She looks up, and though it's been months it still feels like Benny should come walking through the door, asking for her report on their feud. 

Across the room, Darlene isn't even pretending to work. Her chin rests in her hand as she watches the spectacle unfold before them. Herb is threatening to go to _Galaxy_ for the second time this month and the seventeenth this year. Darlene keeps a tally in her desk drawer- threats to leave, items thrown, doughnut-related fits- and they all have a bet going to see who can predict the year-end totals.

Soon, Douglas will look in Darlene's direction and bark at her to get back to work, but for now, her attention is rapt. "You know I love a show," she always says, and as Kay watches her now she can't help but be charmed by the poorly-concealed delight on Darlene's face.

"What are we up to, now? Fifteen?" Jules asks, appearing beside her.

The smile slides off her face. Before she can answer, Douglas catches Darlene staring. "Miss Kursky!" he growls. "I don't pay you to sit around looking pretty!"

"Isn't that exactly what he pays her for?" Jules asks.

Kay looks up and glares at him. "You know, she's a lot smarter than you all give her credit for."

He pulls a chair over and sits down beside her, and she tries to remember that he is her friend and she never used to mind so much when he'd insert himself into her personal space. "I never said she wasn't smart," he says.

"But she's a secretary, and you're a brilliant writer, and you think that makes you better than her."

"I never said that, either," Jules says. "I know she's your best friend, Kay, but you needn't protect her from me. I think very highly of her."

Kay rolls her eyes and picks up her mug, swallowing down the rest of her coffee before it starts to get cold. Herb throws a pencil across the room. "I know," she tells Jules, but won't look at him.

Herb and Douglas seem to have reached a stalemate by now, and as the office quiets down Darlene slides her desk drawer open and makes two marks on the tally sheet inside. 

"If you like," Jules says, standing up, "we could trade stories for the weekend. I'm not sure about my ending and I could use your advice." They used to edit each other's work all the time, even collaborate on occasion, but lately they'd fallen out of the habit. It's like an olive branch, from Jules, for a fight he doesn't understand why they're having.

She nods. If she's honest (which Darlene always inspires her to be,) she's missed the way she and Jules could always trust each other's instincts, in writing if not anything else. "All right. Mine should be ready by the end of the day."

*

Kay and Darlene read Jules's story in bed together, and that is enough to make Kay start laughing, half-way through, when they both inhale sharply at a shocking moment.

"What's so funny?" Darlene asks, because the story is anything but. Jules is accused of being too sentimental at least as often as Kay, so she thinks they may have a happy ending ahead of them, but for now his hero is in a bad spot.

"Just... if he knew you were in bed with me, reading his story..."

Darlene giggles, easy and joyful. "He thinks you're mad at him, you know."

"I am, sometimes." Kay says.

"Why?" Darlene asks. She doesn't repeat that Kay has nothing to worry about, but she does draw Kay closer to her and puts the story down so she can link their hands.

"Maybe it's not fair," Kay says. "I can hardly blame him for being attracted to you. And he doesn't know about us. But he can't know."

"And that's what makes you mad," Darlene says, and kisses Kay's forehead.

"It's a hard secret to keep, sometimes." It has not been easy, the life she's been given, but Darlene has made the burden so light that sometimes Kay forgets it's there. After a moment, she says, "I make it a point not to worry about men's feelings, but he is my friend. And maybe if he knew, it wouldn't be the end of the world, maybe... he wouldn't tell anyone, or hate us. But maybe he would."

"I think it'll be different someday," Darlene says. "We just have to wait."

Kay squeezes her hand. "I hope you're right."

Darlene picks up the story again. "You want me to read to you?"

Kay nods, and Darlene picks up where they left off. The conclusion of the story is open-ended but hopeful, the hero may yet make it home. Kay falls asleep pressed against Darlene's back, and dreams of outer space.

*

Darlene makes a personal call at her desk while Douglas is out of the office for lunch, and spends the rest of the afternoon hinting at big news that she's promised to reveal later. Kay finally gets it out of her in the tiny kitchen in Darlene's shoebox of an apartment after work. "Honestly, the suspense is driving me crazy," she says. "Did you come into a large sum of money? Are you royalty in disguise and it's finally time to come out of hiding?"

Darlene shakes her head, smiling. "My baby sister is moving to the city next week."

"Oh," Kay says, after a moment's hesitation. Well, that's certainly something. "Eliza?" she asks, recalling from the little bit Darlene has told her about her family. They don't talk about them much, but whenever Darlene mentions Eliza it's with such fondness and pride.

Darlene nods. "She's like me, but shorter and more nervous. Or maybe not much like me at all, but we do have the same eyes. My mother would kill me if I didn't look after her, and I want to, anyway. I hope you like her."

Kay never expected to meet Darlene's family, any of them. She doesn't have any family of her own, in New York or anywhere, and Darlene's being states away has made their relationship feel private and safe. Their own world, spread between two apartments as nights spent apart become more and more rare. Kay thought they would move in together, sooner or later, but now with the little sister Darlene adores in their lives she's not sure what will happen.

"What do you look so worried about?" Darlene asks, and Kay realizes it's been too long since she's said anything.

"Nothing." Kay shakes her head. "I'm just surprised. I know how much you love her, I'm sure I will too."

"She won't find out," Darlene says. "And if she does, it'll be because I know it's safe to tell her. You don't have to be scared. You don't even have to meet her, if you don't want, but I'd like you to."

"Of course I'll meet her," Kay says, because there's no point in even considering it. She would do anything Darlene wanted, she thinks.

"There's nothin' in the world for you to worry about," Darlene says as she pulls Kay into her arms. "Nobody's gonna take me away from you."

"Mm," Kay says, resting her head against Darlene's chest. "I'll hold you to that."

*

When the time comes, Kay discovers that Eliza is charming and sweet and impossible not to like. Darlene makes them dinner and they sit around the tiny table in her kitchen, as Kay tries her best to let go of the anxiety she's been carrying for a week.

"Really, it's not that I'm short," Eliza explains, "it's that Darlene is too tall. I'm the same height as our mother, so Darlene is the freak, nobody knows what happened." She's been rambling for a solid minute and only seems to realize it when Kay looks at Darlene and laughs, surprised at herself. She didn't know she would like her so immediately.

Eliza blinks, suddenly silent. "Sorry," she says after a moment. "I talk a lot when I'm nervous."

"No," Kay says, "don't be sorry, I don't mind. Less pressure on me to keep the conversation going."

"She's used to me talkin' her ear off," Darlene says. "With both of us around she may never need to speak again."

Every trace of Kay has been removed from the apartment. All her stray belongings sent back to her own apartment, all the early drafts of her stories about women like them hidden away out of sight. It stings, to be wiped away from one of their safest places, but it's hard to blame Eliza for it. She can hardly be mad at someone who Darlene is so happy to see.

"Don't be nervous about Kay," Darlene says. "She won't bite. Unless you make her mad."

Kay rolls her eyes. It's true enough.

"Deep down, she's a nice person," Darlene continues, and Kay reaches over to swat at her arm. It's at this point she'd shut her up with a kiss, if that were an option. Instead, she crosses her arms as Darlene laughs at her, and tries to remember that everything is still all right, that the presence of Darlene's family is not something to fear. They are at least not living together--Eliza is living with a friend from school, so there'll be no one to notice how often Darlene doesn't come home at night. 

"She's always been like this," Eliza explains to Kay. "She teases and teases until suddenly it's not funny anymore."

Darlene scoffs. "Who says I'm not funny?"

"Kay, please back me up on this," Eliza pleads.

"I don't know," Kay says after a moment of consideration. "A couple of months ago she moved everything in our boss's office two inches out of place. He nearly lost his mind, and I've never laughed so hard in my life."

Darlene claps her hands and laughs, pleased with herself. "He still doesn't know who did it!"

Eliza sighs. "You're a menace."

 _But a nice menace_ , Kay thinks. _A beautiful menace, my menace._ Aloud, she says, "Douglas deserves it," and winks at Darlene.

At the end of the evening Eliza falls asleep on the couch, and Darlene gently pulls a blanket up around her shoulders. She lingers a moment, bent over her sister, to smooth dark brown curls away from Eliza's face as Kay says, regretfully, "I should go."

"You don't have to," Darlene says, straightening up. "You could stay."

Kay shakes her head, stands up. "I shouldn't."

"She thinks you're my best friend, right? Best friends share a bed all the time."

Kay wants to say yes. She studies Eliza for a moment, curled up like a kitten, already deeply asleep. "It's not a good idea."

Darlene reaches for Kay's hand and pulls her into the kitchen, where she kisses her, sweet and slow. "I could wake her up and send her home," she says.

Kay shakes her head, laughing softly. "Don't be ridiculous. She's exhausted."

"I don't like sleeping without you," Darlene says, pouting.

Kay leans in to kiss Darlene again. "I'll see you in the morning," she says, and goes back out to the living room to find her shoes and purse.

It's almost midnight when she crawls into her own bed, alone. Before she met Darlene, there were nights her quiet apartment felt so lonely she could hardly bear it. She doesn't like to sleep without Darlene either, but tonight, as she closes her eyes, she is relieved to find that the loneliness can't get a grip on her any longer.

*

Darlene brings Eliza to work with her to meet everyone. Eliza hasn't started her job yet--she's very smart, and studied science in school, but couldn't figure out what to do with it, a woman in a field unlikely to ever take her seriously. She moved away from home to find herself, she says. "To figure out who I am." What this means, Kay has discovered, is that she's refused her wealthy parents' assistance like her sister before her, and taken a job as a waitress.

Eliza is always reading, just like her sister, and her excitement at seeing the _Incredible Tales_ office is not deterred even by Herb, welcoming as always, who asks, "What did you bring her here for? It's an office, not a museum. We're working, here."

Albert and Jules at least are kind to her, and when Jules's kindness predictably turns into blatant flirtation, Kay and Darlene share a look that goes unnoticed by anyone else. Finally, Kay thinks, a Kursky sister who might actually respond to Jules Eaton's advances.

Douglas has Darlene loaded down with work, so Eliza ends up spending most of the morning with Kay.

"I'm glad to be here, to see what her life is like," Eliza tells her. "I've been worried about her."

"Worried?" Kay asks. "What for?"

"Well she hasn't gotten married yet, for one thing," Eliza starts, and Kay barks out a laugh before she can stop herself. Eliza seems to realize, in that moment, that she's talking to an unmarried woman even a few years older than her old maid of a sister, and color rises in her cheeks. "Not that there's anything _wrong_ with that," she says. "It's just that in high school boys would line up at the door to ask her out, and then she moved here and we haven't heard a single word about a boyfriend since. And then I thought, if my beautiful sister could move to a city full of people and not meet someone, what hope is there for me? I mean, you've seen her. She's the most beautiful girl you've ever met, isn't she?"

Kay smiles, watches Darlene across the room. "Absolutely. But you're not worried about her now?"

Eliza shakes her head. "She seems so happy here. I mean, she was always happy, Dad even used to call her his sunshine girl, but it's different now. Like her life is exactly what she wants it to be, even if it isn't perfect. And that's all I hoped for her, after all."

Kay nods, feels warm inside her chest and suddenly unbearably fond of Darlene's little sister. "Sunshine girl, hm? What about you?"

"Oh," Eliza says, ducking her head. "Worrywart, if you can believe it. He never meant any harm, but it's hard to stop worrying about everything all the time if that's all anyone expects of you in the first place. That's part of the reason I wanted to move, too. Maybe if I figure out what I want to do with my life and who I want to be, I'll worry less."

"Well, keep me updated," Kay says, and means it. She gets up for more coffee and offers to bring Eliza some but she declines.

"Oh, no," she says. "I never did learn to like coffee."

Kay stares at her. "How do you wake up in the morning?"

Eliza shrugs. "Just getting out of bed and having breakfast usually does it."

Kay mixes cream and sugar into her mug. "I have to have it first thing. I can't stand to even talk to anyone in the morning before I've had coffee," she says, "except for your sister." She freezes then, can't believe what an idiot she is, and tries to come up with a reason why she might have seen Darlene first thing in the morning, before coffee.

Eliza doesn't seem to think anything of it, though, and Kay resumes stirring her coffee. Eliza thinks they're best friends. Best friends share a bed all the time.

*

It feels almost like everything is going to be all right, until it isn't.

Darlene is late to work one morning and Kay is just about to walk over to her desk and use the office phone to call and see if she'd overslept, when it starts ringing. She lets it go a couple of times before she asks, "Is anyone going to get that?" She's not about to let them think she's going to start answering the phone just because she's the only woman currently in the room.

Albert amiably gets up from his chair and picks up the phone. "Hello?"

He listens for a few moments, his face gone serious, and then he holds the phone out to her. "Kay," he says. "You have a phone call." She knows, then, that something is very wrong, and she wants not to take the phone, not to let the wrong thing reach her. But science fiction is just fiction and she cannot stop time, has to take it, so she gets up and presses it to her ear and turns away from the rest of them.

It's Eliza, telling her Darlene has been hit by a car, telling her the name of the hospital, asking her to please come.

Kay hangs up the phone, hands trembling, and she hears someone say her name, but she grabs her purse and leaves without speaking to anyone. She takes a cab to the hospital and rides in silence, telling herself to breathe, and that when she gets there she'll hear it all from the doctors and it won't be as bad as she thinks. There is a sharp feeling behind her eyes but she won't cry, not until she knows what's really happening.

Her heels clicking against the floor of the waiting room are too loud but every sound seems to be coming through a strange filter. Eliza stands up and rushes at her, throwing her arms around Kay's neck. She had been crying on the phone and she cries again now, a sob spilling out of her as Kay leads them over to the chairs to sit down.

"Tell me what happened," Kay says, as Eliza swipes at the tears on her face, shaking and giving her best effort to take steady breaths.

"I didn't see," Eliza says. "I mean I wasn't there, I... she was on her way to work, and someone hit her, and I can't... I can't remember everything they said, I--"

"Shh," Kay tells her. "It's all right. Do you remember what they said about her injuries? Did she break any bones?"

Eliza takes a breath, and then another. "She hit her head. She... they're worried about her brain swelling."

A wave of nausea makes Kay close her eyes, turn her head away. "Have your parents been called?" she asks.

Eliza nods. "They're on their way, but it'll be hours."

"All right," Kay says. "All right, we'll stay here together until there's news." The sharp feeling pushes and pushes at her eyes, and now she lets the tears come. Darlene said nothing could take her away, and Kay had believed it, so it isn't right that this should happen, it isn't fair that Darlene should ever have to be hurt.

They wait, and Kay tries to remember all the times she's told Darlene that she loves her, thinking that it can't possibly have been enough. She does her best, for someone whose whole family died and left her alone, but she is not good at saying it, hasn't been for a long time. She'll tell her a hundred times, though, as soon as she's allowed visitors. She'll tell her every day. _Please, please just be all right,_ she thinks. _Please stay with me._

A doctor comes out to speak to them eventually. He has a kind enough face but Kay forgets his name the second after he introduces himself. "She's stable, for the moment, but she's still unconscious," he says. "I'm afraid all there is to do now is wait and see."

"Wait and see?" Eliza asks, her voice sounding small and young.

"I know that's not very encouraging, but it's really too early to know what will happen."

"But she will wake up, right?" Kay asks.

"That's what we're hoping," he says, "but again, it's still early."

Eliza reaches for Kay's hand. "Can we see her?"

The doctor looks at Kay. "I'm sorry, you are...?"

"I'm her-" Kay stops abruptly, knowing what she has to say. "I'm a friend."

"I'm afraid only family will be allowed in to see her," he says, shaking his head.

She feels Eliza's grip on her hand tighten and she feels, too, a wild panic rise up in her chest. "No," she says. "No, you have to let me see her, I have to see her." She doesn't care, in this moment, about being discreet, about sounding too desperate to see someone who is just her friend. "Please. Just for a few minutes. Please let me see her."

"I'm sorry," he says. "That won't be possible. Miss Kursky, if you'll come with me?"

"Wait here, I'll be back," Eliza says, letting go of her hand. She looks back at Kay with a strange, searching expression on her face as the doctor leads her away, but Kay can't focus quite enough to wonder what it means.

*

Eliza isn't gone long, or Kay doesn't think she is, but it is hard to gauge time when the person you love most in the world might be dying. It could have been a minute or an hour but Eliza does come back, sits back down next to Kay and says, "I think we need to talk about something."

Kay sits up straight, the anxiety making her feel stiff. "How is she? Is it worse than they said?" 

Eliza's hand shakes as she pushes hair behind her ear. "I don't know. It's just like she's sleeping, but she doesn't... but that's not what I mean. I have to ask you something, I think."

"All right," Kay says.

"Is there... something going on, between you and my sister?"

"Something going on?" Kay repeats, and she knows what Eliza means, obviously, but oh, she can't bear it just now. Not today, not without Darlene beside her.

Eliza fidgets nervously. "I mean... do you love her?"

"Of course I love her," Kay says. "She's my best friend."

"No, I... you know what I'm asking, Kay. Please don't lie. Not now."

Kay looks away, watches the clock ticking on the far wall. "Yes," she says after a moment. "Yes, I love her."

"Is it just you?" Eliza asks, and Kay turns back to look at her again.

She wonders if she should lie, if she could spare Darlene her sister's judgment, but before she can think too much about it she hears herself say, "No. She loves me, too."

There's a long stretch of silence between them during which Kay wonders if maybe Eliza won't be upset after all, or even terribly surprised. But Eliza speaks, and Kay's desperate hope evaporates. "I think you should go."

Kay grips the arm of her plastic chair. "Eliza, please."

Eliza won’t quite look her in the eyes. "Our parents will be here soon. It would be better if you weren't here then."

*

Kay leaves the hospital in a daze. She has ruined everything now, she thinks, ruined Darlene’s relationship with the sister she adores, with her parents once they find out, and then what if Darlene doesn’t make it? Will they be ashamed of the daughter they bury? Will Kay be turned away from the funeral?

When she thinks of Darlene dying she feels like she might be sick. She can’t go home, to sit and panic by herself, and she can’t go to work. At a loss for what to do, she visits Benny. It’s been weeks and she should have come sooner, and what makes her feel worse is that he won’t even be cross with her about it. 

There is writing on the walls of his room. “I thought they took away all your pencils,” Kay says. 

Benny grins at her; his smile is still bright sometimes, even here. “I have my ways.”

“You’d think they would just let you have paper, at this point.” She knows this looks crazy, prose scratched onto the white walls of a man’s room in a mental hospital, but Benny is not crazy. Benny does not scare her. She thinks if she didn't have anywhere to get out all the words inside of her she might put them on the walls too.

“Sit down,” he says. “Tell me what’s been going on.” 

“Oh,” she says. “Why don’t you tell me a story first. Tell me what’s been happening with Captain Sisko.”

“All right,” he says, as they sit down next to each other on the stiff mattress. There is a war on for control of the Alpha Quadrant, and Benny tells her that Jadzia Dax was killed. “I didn't want to, but… have you ever written something in a story that felt inevitable, like you couldn’t stop it even though you’re the one writing it?”

Kay must look stricken, because he asks, “What’s wrong? I thought Major Kira was your favorite.”

“Oh, I… Dax is Darlene’s favorite.”

“Douglas’s secretary?”

“Yes.”

“Your friend.”

“Yes.”

“Kay, what’s wrong?” he asks again. 

She looks away from him, feels her lip tremble, and then to her horror, starts to cry. "She was in an accident," she manages to say. "She was hit by a car and they don't... they don't know if she'll live." She feels, suddenly, like she can't breathe, but Benny puts his arms around her and lets her cry into his shoulder, patient and kind as ever.

"All isn't lost," he says, when she's gotten ahold of herself somewhat. "Jadzia may have died, but Dax lives on in the symbiont's new host." Kay doesn't answer right away, and Benny adds, "I know what you're thinking. There goes Benny, confusing his stories with reality again."

"I wasn't thinking that," she says.

"Well," he concedes, "you were at least thinking you don't know what Trill symbionts have to do with your friend Darlene, and how frightened you are of losing her."

Kay takes a slow breath, trying not to let herself cry again. "Maybe."

"It can be hard to remember when you've lost someone you love and you're missing them terribly, but if Darlene doesn't make it, she won't truly be gone. Because she mattered to you, because you'll always remember her, she'll live on in your heart for the rest of your life. Yours, and everyone else who loves her. It's not the same as having her with you, it could never be, but it's something."

"It's something," Kay repeats, and wonders if she can survive the rest of her life holding onto the memory of just something.

The orderlies come to shoo her away before too long, after he's told her a little bit more of his story, and she's told him about work, about Douglas and Herb’s ongoing feud, and how Albert's book is set to be released soon. "I'll try to come visit more often," she says. "I don't want you to think I've forgotten about you."

He smiles at her. "Come anytime," he says. "I think they're going to win the war, you know."

She nods. "I hope they do."

*

At home, Kay thinks maybe the only thing to do is start drinking, and make the rest of the day go away. Tomorrow is Friday and she has a story due, but it's mostly written and just needs an ending. If it's late, she doesn't care. If she gets in trouble, she doesn't care.

She opens a bottle of wine that they were supposed to have with dinner that evening, and decides to drink the whole thing. She is small and doesn't drink often and it will be enough to put her truly out of it. She expects to start crying again but instead she's just hollow and quiet, and alone. She drinks, and tries not to think about a single thing.

She falls asleep on her couch, still dressed, and wakes up early, makes coffee and then just goes ahead and types out a finale to her story because she doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't give it a happy ending. She gathers up the pages, then takes a shower and puts on a clean outfit, does her hair and her makeup. If she were married, and her husband was in the hospital, maybe dying, no one would expect her to go to work today. But she won't be welcome at the hospital, and she doesn't know what else to do but go into the office. 

She prays, fervently, that Eliza will at least call and tell her if Darlene's condition changes.

She's late getting to work but Douglas is in his office with the door closed and doesn't come out to chastise her. 

"How is she?" Jules asks her.

Kay's stomach flips and turns and she shakes her head. "I don't really know."

He nods, gives her a sad smile. "Well, I won't make you talk about it." He holds a full mug of coffee out to her. "About time for your next dose, isn't it?"

She takes it from him gratefully, and closes her eyes for a long moment. He reaches for her shoulder and gives it a little squeeze, saying, "I know it's dreadfully cliche but just take it one day at a time, hm?"

Kay sips her coffee and hands Jules the folder containing her story. "Would you look this over, before I turn it in?"

"Of course," he says. "I'll do it now."

Albert doesn't much know how to handle people when they're sad, and Herb just prefers not to, so they both give her as wide a berth as possible in their small office. Douglas comes out to stomp around a few times, looking for things that Darlene could locate in an instant.

True to his word, Jules doesn't make her talk about it, doesn't prod for details on Darlene's condition even though she knows he's worried about her too. She's glad to have him near. He hands back her story with only a few notes, about the same as always, knowing better than to tell her it's perfect just because she's having a hard time.

The day passes slowly and quickly at the same time, somehow- Kay is surprised when it's time to head home but it also feels like a lifetime since she woke up that morning. She and Jules have never hugged in all the years they've known each other, but as they're leaving he looks almost like he wants to. She rises up on her toes enough to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll let you know if anything happens," she says.

When Kay gets home Eliza is sitting on the floor outside of her apartment, waiting for her, and for a moment Kay is afraid that the worst has happened. For a moment, a bleak, lonely life without Darlene plays out in her mind.

Eliza jumps up when she sees Kay. "Oh, good, you're here. I thought it would be soon but I wasn't sure you'd come straight home." She looks down, seeming suddenly timid. "May I come in?"

Kay just nods at her before she finds her voice. "Of course. Yes," she says, fishing her keys out of her purse and opening the door. 

Eliza charges in and starts pacing immediately. "I came to apologize. You were so strong for me at the hospital and then I turned you away. I'm so sorry. I... I didn't know what to think."

Kay just watches her for a moment and then puts her things down and heads over to the couch. "Sit down, Eliza," she says, patting the cushion next to her. 

Eliza does. "I was so stupid to think, even for a second, that anything could change how much I love my sister. She's so important to me and she's taught me so much. If there is anything strong or brave in me it's from her."

"Well, I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit, there," Kay starts, but Eliza just barrels on.

"And I know you and I have only just met, but you've been so kind to me, and I'm so ashamed that I sent you away yesterday. I can't imagine how awful that felt. Except I have been imagining it ever since, and I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. You must... you must love her very much. You must be so frightened."

"I do love her," Kay says. "If that makes you uncomfortable, I... well, I'm not sorry, but I understand it might be difficult to get used to. And I am frightened. I'm terrified, I... I can't imagine what I would do without her."

Eliza leans forward to put her hand on Kay's arm. "I think Darlene would want us to help each other, now. And I want us to be friends, very much. I was so glad you were the first new person I met in New York. You're so smart and pretty and talented and I felt so lucky that I was going to get to know you."

"Of course we'll be friends," Kay tells her. "We're friends now."

Eliza's eyes grow watery in an instant and she lunges at Kay, hugging her tightly. When they part, Kay asks, "Now, tell me how she's doing. What have the doctors said?"

"Not much. They're still saying we just have to wait. Our mother is a wreck, and our father keeps arguing with the doctors that they ought to be doing something more, they ought to do their jobs and make her better. And she's just... so still. I hate it."

Kay pulls Eliza into her arms again. "We'll be strong together, all right? And she will be, too." She has to shut her eyes tightly to keep from crying and for a moment she wonders why she bothers. There's no point in hiding how scared and upset she is now, not from Eliza, but she is so used to having to be strong in the face of heartache that she does it anyway.

"I should probably get going," Eliza says after Kay has hugged her for as long as she can remember hugging anyone. 

"Back to the hospital?"

Eliza shakes her head. "No. I'd rather go back and stay all night again but my mother made me promise I would go home and get some real rest. I can't imagine how she has any worry left over for me right now, but she does."

"That's a mother for you," Kay says, though she doesn't really remember.

"I'm sure she's right, I do need a decent night's sleep, it's just... my roommate is out of town, and I'm not sure I want to be alone right now."

"Stay here," Kay offers immediately.

"Are you sure?" Eliza asks. "I don't want to impose."

"Don't be ridiculous," Kay says. "You can take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch."

"Oh, I couldn't," Eliza says.

"Well, you're going to," Kay tells her firmly.

Eliza blinks a few times, wiping away stray tears. "You've been nothing but wonderful to me. I'm still so sorry," she says, throwing her arms around Kay again.

"Shh," Kay says. "Don't worry about that now."

They eat dinner together, and then Kay busies herself putting fresh sheets on the bed, digging out blankets for the couch, and rooting through every drawer in the bathroom for a new toothbrush, which she finally locates.

Eliza goes to bed early in a set of pajamas borrowed from Kay, who drifts off on the couch not long after. 

*

In the morning, Eliza says, "Come to the hospital with me. Maybe they'll let you see her today."

Kay's fairly certain they won't, and she's also not particularly keen on meeting Darlene's parents--not today, not like this--but if there's even a chance, she'll take it. "All right," she says. "Do you want to go home and change first or just wear something of mine?"

"Could I?" Eliza asks.

"Sure. You're a little smaller than me, but we're close enough," Kay says, glancing up and down Eliza's slight figure.

"Darlene and I never got to share clothes, she was always so tall that all her things would have swallowed me," Eliza says.

Kay smiles. "Well, I never had a sister to share with, so it's new for both of us," she tells her, and there's that fondness again, creeping up on her. It's different of course, from what she felt when she was getting to know Darlene, but it's just as strong.

*

Darlene is tall like her father and Eliza is, just as she had said, short like their mother. Mrs. Kursky has dark hair like her daughters and Mr. Kursky's has gone grey. They look worn down, they look like they are already grieving.

Mrs. Kursky takes Kay's hands in her own. "You're a good friend, to come all the way down here to check on Darlene again."

"Well, she means a great deal to me," Kay says.

"We want to thank you for staying here with Eliza before we could get here," Mrs. Kursky says, still gripping Kay's hands.

Mr. Kurksy adds, "Our worrywart always did need taken care of."

Kay has to hold her tongue. It’s not like her but there's no sense in being rude to them, not here, where one of their children might be dying. "Eliza's been a comfort to me, too," is all she says.

Darlene is still the same, and Kay gets the feeling the outlook is less optimistic, two days on. "Could I go in to see her?" she asks. 

Mrs. Kursky looks genuinely sorry as she shakes her head. "I'm afraid they're still only allowing family in the room, dear."

"Of course," Kay says. "Family."

Mr. and Mrs. Kursky head off to their daughter's room, and Eliza tells them she'll be there in just a minute. When they're gone, she frowns at Kay. "I'm sorry. I'll see what I can do, all right? I'm going to get you in to see her, I promise."

Kay feels heavy and tired, and doesn't bother hoping that Eliza can really do what she's promised. "Let me know if there's any news, all right?"

Eliza nods, and hugs her. "I will. I'll tell you the second anything happens."

Kay goes home alone.

*

On Monday, when Kay gets to work, there's a pretty girl leaving Douglas's office and another waiting to go in. Jules isn't in yet and Albert won't quite meet her eye, but she crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows and demands, "What's going on in there?"

"I believe he's interviewing new secretaries," he says, and Kay feels sick, a wave of dizziness washing over her.

"New secretaries," she repeats, keeping her voice level. "She's not dead yet, Albert. She's in the hospital, trying her best not to be."

"He can't manage to get through the day without help, I guess," Albert says. "Even if it's temporary." He looks like he's afraid of her, and she doesn't blame him. She feels ready to hit something.

She turns away from Albert and pours a cup of coffee, spilling a few drops when there's a tremor in her hand. She's wiping it up when Jules comes in behind a leggy blonde woman, grim-faced, and she imagines he's already asked the woman what brings her here today.

"I can't believe Douglas," he says when he reaches Kay's side.

She looks up at him, frowning. "I can."

After a moment, he nods. "I suppose I can, too."

Kay reaches her limit when two more women come in and Douglas pops his head out to say he'll be with them in just a few minutes. Kay gets up from her desk and walks straight out of the office, sinking down onto the floor in the hallway. She hears the door open and shut again and looks up to see that Jules has followed her.

He's not quite so British and proper, she finds, that he can't slide down the wall and sit next to her, shoulder to shoulder, and offer her his hand. She takes it.

"I won't ask you if you're all right," he says. "That would be a stupid question."

"It would be," she agrees, and her voice doesn't shake but she holds on tight to his hand.

"Has there been any news?" he asks.

"No," she says. "No, she's still the same."

"I'm sorry. I know you care a great deal for her. I can't imagine how I would feel if it were Albert, or you, fighting for your life."

Kay turns to look at him. "I've been a bad friend to you," she says.

Jules shakes his head. "No."

"I have," she says. "I've been unkind, and I'm sorry."

"You needn't worry about that now," he tells her.

"Even so. It's not... entirely your fault."

Jules laughs a bit at that. "Well, I suppose that's all I can hope for, isn't it?"

They sit for a few minutes, during which Kay just tries to breathe in and out and remember that there is still hope.

"You are still one of my very dearest friends," Jules finally says. "That will never change."

Kay rests her head against his shoulder. "I guess that's all right."

She hears footsteps coming down the hall and thinks it'll be another girl coming in to interview, but when she looks up she sees Eliza.

"What are you doing out here?" Eliza asks, as Kay stands up quickly from the floor, Jules following suit. 

Kay waves her hand dismissively. "Nevermind that, did something happen?"

Eliza grins. "I'm getting you in to see her."

Kay's stomach flips and her heart begins hammering. "Eliza, how?"

"I convinced my parents to leave the hospital for a few hours, eat a real meal and get some air, and I sweet-talked one of the nice nurses into letting you in for a few minutes, so we need to get going."

Kay turns to Jules. "I'll cover for you," he says, before she has a chance to ask him. "Now go ahead."

"Thank you," Kay says. "Thank you. I'll be back later."

The hospital is close enough to walk and they walk quickly. Eliza had seemed excited at first but now she's gone silent.

"Why now?" Kay asks when they're almost there. 

Eliza is slow to answer, and when she does, her voice is so quiet. "There may not be much time left."

Kay is dizzy again, wobbly, and she reaches for Eliza's arm. Eliza is bringing her in to say goodbye.

*

Eliza walks her down a long hallway to Darlene's room. "This is it," she says. "I'll be right outside. I'll let you know when the nurse is coming, and then we'll have to go."

Kay nods, but can't think of anything to say. She goes into the room and there, finally, is Darlene.

She wants to climb into the bed and wrap herself around Darlene and forget that there is a world still turning outside of this room. Darlene looks fragile, and wrong, but it is still her and so she is still beautiful, and Kay reaches out to stroke the side of her face and then takes one of her hands. She wants to stay right here until something happens, for the rest of her life if that’s what it takes. But she is here to say goodbye, and she won’t have much time, and there are things she needs to tell Darlene while she still has the chance.

“Hi," she begins. "I don't know how to start other than... you have been the brightest part of my entire life, and I have loved you with everything in me. And if you don’t wake up, I know that… I know that you wouldn’t want me to be sad forever, I know you wouldn’t want me to shut people out, but I don’t know… I don’t know what I’ll be like. But I’ll try my best for you, all right? I promise you that. And your sister and I will take care of each other, you don’t have to worry. And I’ll still write stories for you. All the time. They’ll all be for you, every word I ever write. I want you to come back to me, I want it more than anything, but if you can’t… I know you tried. If you need to go, you can go.”

Kay wonders how this can keep happening, how she can keep losing the people who mean the most to her and be expected to keep going, keep living in a world that takes and takes and takes. She leans over Darlene to kiss her forehead and then her lips, and thinks that if this is the last time she will ever get to touch her, she should memorize it.

"If this was a story I was writing," Kay tells her, "I'd have you wake up now. Too sentimental, maybe, that's what Douglas would say. But that's what I'd write. You'd wake up, and you'd smile at me, and I'd cry, and you'd ask me what I'm so upset about. And I'd say, don't you dare scare me like this ever again."

Kay holds her hand, and for a few minutes just watches her. She tries to think of every good memory she has of Darlene, tries to make them bigger and stronger than this one. She wonders if she should write them down, or if that would somehow ruin them.

It's too soon when Eliza opens the door and tells her it's time to go. Kay leans over to kiss Darlene one more time, tells her she loves her, and then lets Eliza lead her out of the room. They make it about ten feet before Kay stops moving and a sob rises up out of her, raw and loud. Suddenly Eliza is holding her up, right there in the hallway.

"I can't," Kay says. "I can't. I won't know what to do without her, I can't do it."

"Shh," Eliza says, arms around her, gently rubbing her back. "You'll have me. It's not the same thing, I know. But she's my family, and she's yours too, and that makes you and me family now, right? You won't have to be alone. I don't want you to be all alone."

Kay cries hard into Eliza's shoulder and her thoughts are wordless and desperate except for one: how stupid, for Eliza's parents to think she's not exactly as strong as her sister.

*

Her phone starts ringing in the middle of the night.

That's how it happened with her brothers, and she opens her eyes in the pitch black of her bedroom and thinks, _no, no, no._

She fumbles with the lamp and picks up the phone and she can hear Eliza crying before she says anything. Her fingers feel numb.

"She's awake," Eliza says, and for a moment Kay doesn't understand.

"What?"

Eliza laughs and cries at once. "She's awake! She's all right!"

"She's all right?" Kay thinks maybe this is a dream, maybe she's still asleep and hasn't answered the phone yet. But she can feel a breeze through the window she'd left open, the churn in her stomach from not eating dinner and maybe, maybe this is finally the happy ending she thought had slipped away. 

Eliza tells her to come back to the hospital, and she does.

There is some confusion over whether a non-family member should be allowed to visit yet, especially at this hour, but Darlene has asked to see Kay and in the end they don't give her much trouble.

Darlene looks pale and exhausted and so, so beautiful.

"You're here," she says, smiling, and Kay rushes to her bedside.

"I'm here," she says, and takes Darlene's face in her hands and kisses her.

Darlene swipes her thumbs across Kay's wet cheeks. "Hey," she says. "What are you so upset about?"

"I missed you," Kay says, wiping at her own eyes now.

Darlene nods. "I think... I missed you too. It was like I was dreaming, but it all seemed wrong because you weren't there. But you're here now."

Kay kisses Darlene’s temple and her cheek and then her lips, again. "I have to tell you something," she says. 

"Did you find a new girlfriend?" Darlene jokes. Kay rolls her eyes and her relief and joy fill every part of her.

"No. Your sister knows about us."

Darlene looks genuinely surprised. "How'd that happen?"

"Well, you almost died. I was... more upset than a friend would be."

"Mmm." Darlene nods. "Is she upset?"

"At first. But it's all right now."

"She's a good girl," Darlene says, leaning back against her pillows.

"She is," Kay agrees.

"I told you it would be fine."

"You did."

"You gonna start listening to me now?"

"I'll think about it."

Darlene holds out her hand for Kay to take, and Kay brings it to her lips to kiss Darlene's knuckles. "I could never really leave you," Darlene says. "Even if I died."

Kay remembers what Benny told her and knows that it's true, knows it from experience, and she remembers Dax and the new host and how life finds a way to keep going. "Even so," she says. "I'd rather have you back like this."

*

When Darlene comes home it's to Kay's apartment. There are still things to box up and take care of at her own, but Kay and Eliza had moved over her clothes and make-up and most everything that matters. "I never want to start or end another day without you," Kay had told her, didn't care how sentimental it sounded, and Darlene had enthusiastically agreed.

Kay is gentle and reverent, their first night back together, as she unbuttons Darlene's blouse and unhooks her bra and spreads her hands over skin she thought she would never touch again.

Benny used to talk about alternate universes, even before Captain Sisko. "There are infinite possibilities," he'd said. "There could be worlds nothing like our own and worlds that are so alike you'd have to look hard to find the difference."

Kay thinks maybe there are worlds out there where Darlene didn't make it, but there are also worlds where the two of them never met. She's not sure which idea she hates more, but she does know, as her lips move down Darlene's body, that she wouldn't give this life up for anything.


End file.
